Monday, April 19, 2010

Running From April

To whichever April I pissed off, I'm sorry for whatever I did to you, I truly am. I don't know what I could have done to cause you to act this harshly, but I'd greatly appreciate it if you left me, and particularly my face alone.



I've had one hell of an month, and it's not even over so let's get right to it.

A week ago, I was perfectly happy with how my face looked. Around that same time, Mike Tisdale didn't. He didn't like it so much that he decided to take matters into his own elbows and give my face a little rearranging to his own liking. Introducing Dr. Mike Tisdale, top notch face rearranger, specializing with elbows.

Me and Mike are pretty good friends, he even took me to his house one time where he showed off his hunting gear and weapons. What he didn't show me was his bows. I was formally introduced last Monday.

Playing defense against Tisdale is like being on the defensive in a boxing match. Standing there, quick feet, bouncing around, head swinging but instead dodging an array of jabs and hay-makers, I'm dodging swinging elbows that can pack a punch ten times harder. (pun intended)

After my nose job, I met with my lawyers about the situation. I should have known by all the deer heads mounted on the wall at his house that it was only a matter of time before a misfire happened. I've decided to bring a lawsuit against Mr. Tisdale for assault with a lethal weapon. Them bows are deadly and I'm lucky to be alive. Pray for me when me and him are living together next year.

Just one short year ago, another unfortunate incident occurred, in the month of April, and coincidentally(not ironically) to one of my facial features. A long story short I fractured my jaw in early April, and had no idea till late April it was actually broken. (Almost 2 weeks went by with me not noticing a broken jaw in my face. I actually ate steak the night it happened and still didn't know...ouch) It took a regularly scheduled dentist appointment, despite much detest from my mother (because I was missing school at the time), to notice something was off. Dentist appointment was at 8am in the morning, he took one look at me and sent me to the Ortho by 10am. There they took some quick X-rays and I was at the REAL facial surgeon (sorry Tizzy) by 2pm. My mom met me there and quickly and unsympathetically apologized for the grief she was showing me just 6 hours earlier for missing school. I guess school is more important than living the last 2 weeks of my life with a broken bone in my face. By 4pm this same day, I woke up with 8 screws in my mouth and 4 wires going between them. My last meal was a single french fry from White Castle...I miss White Castle.

This is why I really don't like April. Do you know what happens in April/May for a high school senior? Graduation parties, prom, and graduation itself. Let's play the numbers game real fast,

Number of weeks wired shut - 6 weeks
Number of graduation parties where my meal was a smoothie - 13
Total net worth of gift cards I once owned from planet smoothie and cold stone - $125.00
Grams of liquid protein consumed - >10,000g
Amount of weight lost in first three days - 15lbs
Number of broken noses I’d get before I had to break my jaw again - 8
My meal at prom - mashed potatoes (not math, just thought you'd like to know)
Number of smiles I cracked during this memorable time in my life - negative

April once brought with her visions of pretty blossoming flowers and bright, sunny weather. Now that crazy b*t*ch won’t leave me alone.


  1. I hope you marry a girl named April. hahaha

  2. Tyler this was awesome.

  3. You forget to mention how you get worked in FIFA in April

  4. ClaudiaW1 on Twitter; Claudia Krapac Washburn on FacebookApril 19, 2010 at 3:09 PM

    Entertaining, amusing, and well-written, as always. Hope you have a lot of "before" pics!