Silly Santa

That Santa Claus is a clever man. This past Christmas he demonstrated why if the whole gift-giving thing didn’t work out, he could have been a starting pitcher for the New York Yankees because he threw me a curve ball that dipped so low even El Hombre couldn’t have seen it (And we Cardinals fans know that just isn’t possible). Not only did Santa deliver me my clone without me noticing for a couple days, he did so in a way unanticipated by all.

It was a gloomy Christmas morning when I realized I didn’t get what I asked for. All I wanted was a clone. Not some headphones, deodorant, or an Xbox game.

The Xbox game was EA’s (Electronic Arts) latest installment of their College Basketball series and I immediately didn’t think nothing of it because, I’ve been receiving that game for years now. What made this year’s special though is that I am actually in the game.

It isn’t the exact present I was asking for but in a way, one could see Santa’s ingenious thinking. A virtual version of me is better than nothing, right?

This is kind of like when I turned 16 and asked my grandma for a car and she deceitfully agreed. It’s not funny now and it wasn’t funny then when on my birthday she got me a Hot Wheels car and thought that would meet my requirements.

Anyway I’ve been playing the game for awhile now and I am in the middle of my lengthy but highly entertaining dynasty with the Fighting Illini. This is a game mode where I am in complete control of all aspects of the team. (I control the roster, game plan, scheduling and even recruiting) The first order of business was to reorder the roster to how I want it to be. As a gamer, I am notoriously known to make horrible use of my bench in sports games, so a flawless and absolute superior starting 5 is crucial to the success of my team. This is why I spent an elongated amount of time analyzing and justifying to myself which players needed to be in the lineup. Before I did anything, the first moves I made were to redshirt Joe, and to cut Alex because he would be transferring soon anyway.

Naturally, since I’m me and me is actually in the game, I had to start no questions asked. The only debate was to what position I would play me at? Given that I had already boosted my ratings to what I believe realistic (by default I’m rated a 74 player, but after some excellent coaching by yours truly, I raised myself to an 85 overall) I could play any position. My finalized starting 5 is 1. Demetri 2. Brandon 3. Mike D. 4. Me 5. Mike T.

My game plan is simple, give the ball to me, every single possession and good things will happen. I am currently averaging 25.5 points, 5 rebounds, and 8 assists per game. Anyone who’s ever played a basketball video game would know that it’s really tough to control rebounds when getting assists is much easier. That’s why I think I confuse the game into making virtual me a very strong candidate for the Player of the Year award. The game recognizes my 25 points and 8 assists, and then they see I’m doing it from the power forward position and it confuses them. Then they must have to think, “Yeah, this kid’s good.”

Since I made myself one of the best players in the nation, I mean game; it’s a pretty logical concept. And since I’m a pretty good team player/coach/gamer I make sure my teammates get their looks too.
All the players are averaging over 6 points, Tisdale leading the country with 14 boards a contest, and Brandon and Mike Davis are up there in shooting percentage.

Since it’s a virtually created atmosphere, I can tell when the crowd is pumped up and when the player will make the next shot. That’s why I have Brandon and Mike Davis go stand in the corner and wait till the crowd gets pumped to get them a shot. It works every time and they are both good for at least three 3’s a game. Tisdale just cleans up all of my misses, hence the absurd 14 rebounds a game, and McCamey is usually good for 2 or 3 fast break layups a game as well. The rest is all me slicin’ and dicin’ my way to my average, and dropping dimes like I’m the white Chris Paul. My game plan is pretty much fail proof and is the reason why my current record is 14-1. The one loss came from an accidental simulation of the game at Indiana but oh well, I’ll recover.

My team is well on their way to a Big Ten championship and a NCAA tournament appearance. Barring no simulated injuries or other freak accidents (Ex. losing all saved data) we should be the favorites to win the National title and for me to be Player of the Year and that would make me really happy.