Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Dear, The Fat Man In A Red Suit

It’s that time of the year where jingle bells, snowflakes, and visions of sugarplums are overtaking the minds of millions of children across the world. All the hoopla surrounding the holiday season is a joy to many, and to me it’s no exception. I wanted to make this year extra special so I decided to join the millions of children across the world and write a letter to the Big Guy in The Red Suit telling him what I would like for Christmas. Hopefully he comes through in the clutch and delivers me the gift that will surly keep on giving. Here goes nothing.

Dear Santa

This is my first letter I’ve ever written (to you) and in case you didn’t know, my name is Tyler. I haven’t formally been taught to send mail the regular way as I am a teenager in the 21st century and my main means of communication are texting and social networking. In fact, I got your address off your Facebook page. (thanks for accepting my friend request) Hopefully I addressed this correctly and it gets sent to the real Santa Claus because everyone knows, there’s enough Santa posers in this world already.

As this is my first time contacting you, first let me say thank you for the Xbox a couple years back and I always appreciate the annual assortment of Axe deodorant products I receive under the tree. I don’t know if you’re sending me a message or not, but I am not the smelly kid in class. If you have time, read my blog, especially the Stick To My Strengths post.

Anyway, I’m supposed to believe that your big butt has been stopping by the house for the past 18 years and shimmying your way down my chimney. I am finally old enough to realize that that is really weird and creepy, and this Christmas if you want in, just call beforehand. You got my number, right?

I know you probably get a lot of letters containing absurd Christmas lists from kids wanting almost everything in the whole world but this letter is different. I’ve been nice to my sisters (within reason) this year and therefore don’t think I made the naughty list, but what makes this letter different is that I’m only asking for one thing, and that is a clone of myself.

Here’s the story, lately there hasn’t been enough of me to go around and I’m starting to feel the pull in all directions. Being in four or five places at once is not quite possible (How do you get to every house on Christmas eve?) and trust me when I said I’ve tried and failed miserably.

A clone would allow me to be in two places at once, and thus get twice as much work done. For example, yesterday I had a speech to practice for, test to study for, essays to write, laundry to do, all while the phone was ringing, and a much needed trip to the bathroom was coming on. And that was all in one afternoon. Another me would have been great right about then, so if you could bring me a clone, with a great memory of course, who could do these things that’d be awesome. I’ll leave a to-do list next to the salad and glass of pomegranate juice I’m leaving you, so he can get a head start on the things that need to be done when you drop him off.

If it’s not too much trouble to ask for, can my clone come with my unparalleled Guitar Hero skills and a British accent? If you could that would be lovely.

Other than that, my brother informed me that he really wants a Transformers action figure and doesn’t want anything that even remotely resembles clothes. He’s at that stage in his life where running around in his underwear and a batman cape is acceptable so no clothes are necessary.

Well have a safe trip around the world Santa, and give Mrs. Claus a hug for me.



-What if you saw your Momma kissing this Santa Claus???

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