Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Dirty Laundry 9

I can’t believe this world of blogging has gone unnoticed by me for so long. How many of you all knew about this vast entertaining world and didn’t tell me about it? Shame on you. Since I started, I have discovered some brilliant blogs by some really creative individuals. I now follow more than a dozen websites that provide me with news, laughs, and just about everything in-between to get me through my day.

It seems like a number of you have been astonished by my intelligence. (Thanks for revealing your stereotype of basketball players) My response to that is don’t be quick to judge people, sometimes they can surprise you, but in this case, it’s just me having a couple of good English teachers in middle school and stories to tell.

What is it with the people commenting on my posts by only identifying themselves by the current location in which they read the blog? This looks like its straight out of a horror film and everyone knows I refuse to watch scary movies. (Knowing you only as the girls from room 221 is kind of creepy) It feels like I know you but I’m never sure due to my memory lapses of remembering names and who lives where. On another comment, they identify themselves as Kim from Bromley 726. I know a Kim that lives in Bromley but wasn’t sure of her room number. Needless to say I looked like an idiot when I confronted Kim about her comment and she had no idea what I was talking about. Oops.

But wait, it gets better.

Apparently I have inspired Kim from Bromley 726 to start a blog of her own, and in my honor she has named her first post in my name. Not only do I think that is really cool, but she had some pretty nice things to say about me in the process, which makes it even cooler. Go check it out at http://kimcerf.blogspot.com/


I have a class that is completely on the opposite side of campus from where I live. I take the same stretch of road every single day and lately, I’ve been timing myself (to the second) on how fast it takes me to get from my room to my class. If I beat my previous time, I believe I am going to have a good rest of the day but if I fail, then I get really upset and as a result, the upcoming day will be a disaster. All potential road distractions are fair game and you cannot stop the clock if you get stuck in traffic. But you don’t necessarily have to obey road laws either. (No cop no stop)

I never really learned how to cuss until I started driving. I’m convinced Champaign, Illinois has the most generous DMV’s around and they hand out licenses’ like its candy on Halloween. Some people I see driving on the road, DO NOT belong there and I consider them a liability to society.

I have my own set of rules of the road that I think everyone should follow. When it comes to stop signs, crossing lanes, making a turn into oncoming traffic, basically anywhere that could have cars crash, I calculate vehicles on what I call the collision factor. I put every means of transportation in my own echelon system based on size, durability, brute strength, and sheer badassness. To explain further, if there is a four way stop sign and a cement truck wants to turn left, and a Ford Focus wants to continue straight. In order for that cement truck to make a left turn, it would have to cross the very near-future path of the Focus to get where it needs to go. Even if the Focus arrived at the stop sign a tad sooner than the cement truck, if I’m driving that Focus I’m stopping and waiting for the cement truck to do its thing. Imagine what would happen if that Ford Focus collided with the cement truck. It would be blown to smithereens.

When first arriving to campus and with these guidelines in mind, I was really surprised by the confidence in some pedestrians when crossing the street. It seemed like they would walk out there blindly and not even care (or notice) I was coming directly at them at blazing speed. It wasn’t until I was one of them that I realized that pedestrians don’t possess any amount of extraordinary confidence, they just simply are too busy fiddling with their iPods or cell phones to pay attention to oncoming traffic. Now I’m just as attached to my phone as the next guy, but when it’s a matter of life or death, I can put the phone down and watch out for the crazy lunatics on the road (like myself)

It's pretty common knowledge, (Or so I think) that the average pedestrian would not be able to withstand being run down by a automobile. To illustrate, I have drawn out a pyramid of my ranking system. As you can see, the vehicles closer to the top rule the road, and the ones below have less and less power until you get to the cyclists. I think I speak for everybody when I say cyclists are annoying and the worst way to travel. Who wants to see skin tight body suits and hand signals going painfully slow down the road in front of you? Not me.


Weekly Tylerisms

I saw a rather large man eating at McDonald’s the other day. He ate a Big Mac in under ninety seconds and with three bites. I haven’t seen anything that impressive since that squirrel using the crosswalk to cross the street.

I don’t normally watch much TV besides Sports Center, but Ellen DeGeneres dancing through the introduction on her show is the greatest thing on TV…ever.

If 50 cent married a girl named Penny and if they ever had twins, he should name them nickel and dime. That would make their whole family worth 66 cents.

I want to make a cell phone company called “Searching for Network.” We’ll be everywhere!

Shout out to hot girls with no personality. They make my world complete.


If anyone makes a video like this one, of the Clemson game, let me know. I want the inspirational music, the images of us suffering defeat, then the amazing comeback. Its got to have all the parts for me to like it though.


  1. dear tyler,
    first of all, we are glad you want so much to meet us. second of all, don't worry, this isn't a horror movie and we aren't trying to scare you =) feel free to stop by our room and say hi. we'll be here after nine tonight.
    -morgan and matti

  2. Dear Tyler,

    You're free advertising is greatly appreciated! I'm not nearly as clever as yourself, but I try.


  3. Tonight you have a better chance of seeing Tyler on ESPN than at your door! He will probably not be at your door because he is gracing the ladies of Clemson with his presence (but they don't compare to us Illini!). They are there to play in the Big Ten/ACC Challenge, series is tied 3-3! They play at 6:15 on ESPN. You should watch!

  4. Tonight you have a better chance of seeing Tyler on ESPN than at your door! He will probably not be at your door because he is gracing the ladies of Clemson with his presence (but they don't compare to us Illini!). They are there to play in the Big Ten/ACC Challenge, series is tied 3-3! They play at 6:15 on ESPN. You should watch!

  5. hey morgan and matti, sorry, but tyler was in S.C. witnessing the Illini come back and beat the crap out of Clemson, of course with a little help from Booker...

  6. For the record, cyclists hate pedestrians and drivers, too. They especially hate the pedestrians who walk in the bike path; as well as the drivers who roll through a red light to turn right and hit you while your riding, leaving grill marks on your leg that are still there six months later (which happened to me).

    Just sayin'.

  7. Pedestrians can be very dumb, especially said walk in the bike path pedestrians.
    anyhoo just wanted to say love your blog :D

  8. While I agree that apparently almost every driver in Champaign probably paid off the lovely people at the DMV (that's the only reason I can justify half of them being on the road), I would invite you in your spare time to go to Bloomington-Normal... once there I'm sure your arsenal of swear words will exponentially grow :)

  9. The people of Chambana have a slower pace of life than us suburbianites; you get used to it and may actually come to like it.

  10. The 50 cent joke broke me. All the tylerisms were awesome man. Keep it up

  11. I loved the transportation rankings, and intend to follow this rule of thumb: Whatever lethal weapon is barreling towards me, it goes first.