Pregaming

Authors note: Read with confidence and the realization that everybody goes through what I am talking about. Thanks
-Tyler

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, I was abducted by aliens, among other things. (The space kind not the yard keeping kind) Being abducted by extraterrestrials is really not all that its hyped up to be. When I was young, I dreamed of being contacted by outside life and I was the kid who bridged the communication gap between them and earth. In my dream I would grow up and be one of the Men in Black and one of the pioneers who helped aliens live peacefully on earth. Aside from the anal probing and series of tests of my abduction, I had a realization that I wanted to share with you.

Lately, I’ve been doing some thinking as how I could better prepare myself for competition during games. Athletes at all levels are constantly trying to find new ways or methods that are ideal for them to have a better advantage in their respective sport. With that said what works for one competitor might not work for another. Some people like to listen to music in headphones that cost as much as four Jay-Z concerts and that are so loud it frustratingly disturbs the people around them. Some like to keep it simple and take naps before a game. I like neither of those but, what you’re about to read might change your future so listen closely.

In a ground-breaking discovery by none other than yours truly, I have found what every athlete MUST do before a game if they want a chance to be successful. In other words, every athlete has this certain pregame ritual in common and I’m 99.9% sure of it. (I’m never 100% sure about anything but if I were about one thing it would be this)

The habitual practice I am talking about is known of course, as the pregame shit. To me, on a level of importance in American sports, I would put my alone time on the crapper ahead of the coach’s pep talk and less important than observing the National Anthem. Let’s face it; first, nothing is more important than taking the time to honor our country. That’s a given. Secondly, if I have to drop a bomb during the coach’s pep talk I won’t be very focused on the game plan anyway and therefore unprepared for the game at hand. (Can you imagine having to the urge to go during the actual game? Has that actually happened to anyone? I wouldn’t know but it gives me the goose bumps just thinking about it.)

In what is a natural bodily function all humans share, dropping a deuce is a special occasion felt my most once a day. (Twice if you’re lucky and thrice if you possess some sort of health problem nobody wants to hear about) Something about releasing those toxins from your body makes you feel and play better than if you were to choose the alternative route.

Question: why do women frown upon talking about their bodily functions? It’s like its some taboo subject no woman would dare to bring up. Sure, passing gas at an inappropriate moment is sometimes embarrassing, but why? It usually takes a lot more than farting to ruffle my feathers and I don’t understand why this happens to people. I think we should be celebrating our impressive farts, blockbuster craps, and heroic belches because that means we are in fact healthy human beings.

Speaking of our bodies, something else weird has happened lately. Now I don’t know if the rest of the world has heard of in-grown hairs, but I certainly have and I have one directly on the tip of my nose. Oh my gosh I can’t begin to describe the pain that I am going through right now every time I sneeze, pick my nose, or wrinkle my face it hurts like all hell.
I have an unusual habit of naming my more pronounced zits like the system of naming hurricanes the weather people have. I start with the beginning of the alphabet and come up with names alphabetically and continue the cycle. I started with the letter A (Abe, this little booger on my upper lip, caused an explosion of epic proportions meaning it left some on the bathroom mirror) and I am now on the letter R and how coincidently that this pimple leaves me looking like Rudolph the Red Nosed-Reindeer just in time for Christmas. There’s nothing like Christmas spirit than to name a big fat pimple on the tip of your nose after Santa’s most trusty reindeer.

Please comment, leave suggestions, constructive criticism, and other helpful tips you can add. Anything would be appreciated.

"Why Girls Don't Fart." It makes total sense now.

-TG